Short and to the point. Busy start!

  First, let me start off by saying happy, very late, new year! I hope everyone had a spectacular NYE! Mine, well, it was more fun getting ready than the actual plans that happened. LOL, But it was okay.
 

  The year started off in so many directions. Mostly good, thank goodness! I started my new position as a lab assistant at St. Agnes. I love it already! Really, I do! I get SO excited over getting some of the lab work. The supervisor has said she loves my enthusiasm. One my 1^st day, I just watched to get a feel for what I would be doing. I was sitting with one girl when a spinal fluid came to the window. I squealed and went to watch that being processed. Can I just tell you how disappointed I was! When I think of something lubricating your joints, I would expect something at least jelly looking. Nope. Not at all. It looks like water!! Good for the patient, obviously, but bummer for me. I thought it would have been more awesome looking! LOL. I was also taken around to the other departments I would have to work with. Histology and Pathology. Kind of tempted to transfer there! Ha ha! That is where you see the extra awesome good stuff, like an appendix! I saw one and jumped up and down in excitement! Not kidding. I love stuff like that. I didn't even have to look at the req sheet to know what it was, I am just that awesome. We also went to the morgue, where I was again disappointed. There were no bodies! WHAT!? The only specimen I do not like having to process is the sputum cultures. I do not care that I have been living with CF for almost 22 years, it grosses me out beyond belief. I've never seen any so bloody!! And one looked like someone had mixed grits into it! Now that I have grossed most people out, lets move on.

   Sadly, my 1^st week of work I had to take off already because of this wonderful CF of mine. I swear it waits for things to be going good in my life and thinks “oh no can't have that” and BOOM, I landed up inpatient. I started feeling SOB over the weekend, but didn’t think anything of it since I always feel more SOB the week before my period. But instead of staying at the norm, it got increasingly worse. I woke up and went into work and started feeling cold, like I had a fever. So I took my break to take some Motrin to help. Walking from one side of the lab to the other completely took my breath away, and I just could not breathe. I tried my inhaler but it was not working. So, I told my boss I had to leave, and she could clearly see me struggling. I went home and immediately went to my room to do an albuterol treatment. My mom followed me in my room and we checked my SATs they were at 88%. Holy crap, I cannot remember when they were that low. We did a series of 3 nebs, 60mg prednisone and put me on 2lt of oxygen and after two hours, nothing. My SATs only went up to 90%. So, obviously a trip to the ER and admission was in order. Got the ER and woah, , my BP was crazy low. I didnt even feel it was that low. So dehydration was now one of the issues. Started fluids and got a chest xray and labs. Now just to wait for results. Blah blah fast forward, going home tomorrow. On IV Aztreonam, and oral bactrum both q8. And we will check back in a week. Hopefully these stones will stop acting up and top hurting me and making me want to feel I have to vomit every second.

It's long. Im just saying.

    Woah, well it has been quite some time since my 1^st and only blog. So much has been going on, I don’t even know where to start. It's been a rough few months for me, emotionally. Very many downs, and few up. I have been having a hard time letting go, accepting some things, giving up on some, bitter at some, and others I just don't even know.

     I have felt so many emotions I have never felt in my life and they are very confusing to me. I'm not like most girls, I am not good at expressing certain emotions, I choose to not talk about some. Though, thank goodness for my best friend. This particular one who I have told literally every emotion too, I don't know what mental state I would be in without her, all while some of the emotions I've been venting to her she has been in the hospital and sick. Words could never express how much she means to me, and I've never met her. One day, we will. And I will do what I do not like to do in front of people/ public, I will cry. Happy, ecstatic tears. But, back to everything else.

    Lately I have been having a hard time accepting my CF. Crazy right? You would think as time went on in life that wouldn't be an issue, but I guess not. I am having a hard time facing that my life could be shorter than everyone else, trouble accepting that people keep walking out of my life because they can't bare to see me get sick, trouble accepting that it is going to take me longer to achieve my goals. But I think the hardest thing I am having trouble accepting is not being able to carry my own children, that starting a family is going to be more stressful than joyous. All very much worth it in the end, but still. I am very bitter that in the past month I have found out about a few people becoming pregnant. The reason I am bitter? These girl are sluts. They've had one or more abortions. They still smoke. They still drink. They treat their bodies the horrible way they did before they got pregnant. They have not changed. I am bitter that the most undeserving people are getting the amazing gift of being able to create life. Why? That is a question I know will never be answered. And I cannot accept that I will never know why the people who deserve and want a child will never get to carry one. And, the ones who will never change and get pregnant not even trying get to carry one. If you were to ask me about a year and a half ago if I wanted babies, I would've laughed in your face and said never. But when I held my friends baby about a week after she was born.... I swear I felt something weird, that I had never felt before. And now, I find myself ogling at couples with their babies and toddlers. I probably look like a complete creeper! LOL, but I cannot help but be jealous and wonder when I will get to experience a family of my own. I know that the stress of trying to find a surrogate mom ( baby momma, as I always say, lol) and hoping she takes will be excruciating, or all the work of adoption if surrogacy doesn’t work out, will all be completely worth it in the end. I'll have what I've been wanting for so long.

   Another thing I am having trouble accepting is time. There is not enough and it is going to fast. My niece just turned 3 this December. And my little brother started high school. I remember the day they were both born. Sometimes I forget how young my brother is. He is so smart, and mature. But then he will do the littlest, funniest thing and his innocence will show. Like, when I am upstairs and he is downstairs watching TV and out of no where I will hear him legit cracking up at whatever it is he is watching. The littlest things in life. That innocent little laugh. How nice it must be to find such happiness in a show. My niece.. oh my sweet little pipsqueak. What a ham that little girl is. Her little attitude she has/get. Her smile in the morning. Her laugh. Her innocence. Her obliviousness to how cruel the world can be. She loves baking. She gets that from me, Aunt Stesey. When she came over to decorate the tree, she brought cookies to bake. (pre-made of course) But, she was so excited. As she plopped each cookie on the sheet she said “one here!” and would look for another spot and say “one here!” every time. And when the cookies were ready, she little jump and the way her eyes just lit up! It just heart warming.

    I have also been very bitter about a lot of things in my past. What I had once let go, has resurfaced. And I am back to trying to let it go, but it is much harder than I remembered. As I said earlier, I am not good in expressing a lot of emotion, and I choose to not talk about a lot of things. Especially when I am hurting, sad, disappointed, etc thing of that nature. I do not like people seeing me like that. I don't want to be remembered as ever being sad at any time. Without getting into a lot of detail; Almost 2 years (March will be 2 years), my biological father did something, that on my birthday I wrote him a 3 page letter. I told him how his lifestyle is effecting my negatively, gave him a few examples and told him at the end if he did not get help for his lifestyle I would no longer be in his life. At family events, I would be civil if he said hello, I would say it back. His lifestyle was having such a huge negative impact on my life, my health, and I just couldn't afford to live that way anymore. Well, he was not willing to change.. for his daughter. He pretty much walked out of my life. How can someone choose a lifestyle over their child? I got over that though, I had been preparing myself 20 years to finally be able to stand up to him. But this year one person came back into my life (we'll call him “A”). The 1^st person who has ever gotten me to fall in love with them (yeah, i said the ugly L word). It took 21 years for that. I am very very good at not getting emotionally attached to people, and if I do when they walk out it is easy for me to remove and UN-attach them just as fast. But him... he came in my life when I least expected it and I was completely blindsided by the emotions he made me feel. I HATED him in high school, LOL. But now he is walking out. After I finally opened up just a tad and he promised he would never walk out of my life, he is, he has walked out. Deep down I knew he would, thats how he is, but I was woshing on stars maybe he really wouldn't; I literally feel as though my heart has just exploded and shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. I've never felt this way in my life, I do not know how to handle it.

   Lets talk about the happies. Now that I have probably bored all those who took the time to read this, and y'all are probably thinking “girl get a grip on yourself” LOL. This summer I took a summer class for phlebotomy, passed and in the process of signing up for my boards. As I wait to take my boards I have been looking for a position, some places will hire with your transcripts knowing you will take your boards. Well, I applied for a lab assistant position at St. Agnes hospital and got it!!! I am SO excited. I start on January 2^nd! It is only a part time, every other weekend position at the moment, but once I finish orientation and get fully trained I will be able to pick up more hours! Yay! I finally actually get to use my education! LOL! Another happy, one of my Christmas presents I asked for was for money to finish my CF tattoo that I have been wanting to for the longest time. But, every time I started to save something would happen and money would have to go for that. It will take two sessions, the 1^st one is on January 5^th! Cannot wait!

   Sorry for the rambling, and for any of you thinking some words I used aren't really words, they are. You'll need to purchase a “Stephany's Dictionary.” They are in there!

It is the little things that make life worth-while.

Lately, it has been more apparent to me that people take so much for granted. I have seen so many post on facebook about money, people saying "fml" for several different reasons, from boy/girlfriend problems, to them not getting their way and complaining about the tiniest flaw in their day. And, every time I see one, I am like oh my goodness can your life get any worse?

There are people battling chronic a chronic illness, losing loved ones, Soldiers and Marines fighting a war for their country, Police Officers protecting our streets, Firefighters and EMT also putting their lives on the line to save the life of a complete stranger. You never see them complain about the tiny things in life, and do you know why I believe that is? I believe it is because they have seen, and dealt with some of the most unimaginable things.

People with a chronic, such as myself, know they never know what day they may not wake up. Some having closer calls than others. We meet people who have the same illness on support websites, and become the greatest of friends. We may never meet each other, but we talk non-stop, and form a bond that no one else knows. I have met a few of my best friends that way. They know exactly what I am going through, and we keep each other sane. Though we may never meet in person that bond is so strong when one in our “community” gains their wings we can't help but cry a little, knowing they were taken too soon. But at the same time, we are happy they are breathing easy and not suffering. They are watching over us, and waiting for us at those pearly white gates.

Firefighters, Soldiers, Marines, EMT's and Police Officers deal with life and death situations everyday. They see their fellow brothers and sisters get hurt in the line of duty; whether it be an IED,gunshot,fire,car chase,etc. They see and deal with the most unpleasant of people; Drug dealers,child molesters, rapists, murderers, terrorists, etc. But they also see the good in people, how when a fellow brother and sister in uniform passes the support and love the community gives them, or a random act of kindness. When Soldiers and Marines come home, the welcome homes and thank yous from perfect strangers just glad they have made it home safe after months of deployments defending this wonderful country.

So this, my first blog, is to those who complain about the tiniest flaw in their day. Those who say “fml” on a daily basis. To those who do not know the true meaning of hardships and struggles. Stop living in the moment of something going wrong. It's going to be okay. So your car wouldn't start and you're a little late to work. Okay that sucks yes, but it is not the end of the world. At least you have a job in this economy. Those who take everything for granted, who always want more money,more power. Those do not appreciate the life they have been given, hold grudges, manipulate people; Look at the bigger picture. Life is too short for all of that.

Learn to appreciate the little things in life. Because when it comes down to it, and it is your time to go all the money and power you have means nothing. It all goes out the window. What matters is how you have impacted the lives of others and vice versa.

Just this weekend I took a spontaneous trip to Johnstown, PA., to visit my grandfather. My dad, his wife and little brother had already planned on going. But, when I found out I did not have to work, I told them I would like to tag-along for the weekend. We kept it from my grandfather, and decided to surprise him a little. The whole drive I was excited knowing he did not know, and was in awe of the beautiful fall mountainous scenery I was seeing. It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful the earth can be. See, the little things of being able to surprise my grandfather and see the leaves changing color over the mountains made me one of the happiest girls in the world this weekend. Spending time with my family, making happy memories playing a little football in the front yard. Talking of old past memories.

 

So ask yourself, what are your simple pleasures? Have you made a difference in someones life? If so, do you think it was good, or bad? Who has made an impact on your life?

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others”