It's long. Im just saying.

    Woah, well it has been quite some time since my 1^st and only blog. So much has been going on, I don’t even know where to start. It's been a rough few months for me, emotionally. Very many downs, and few up. I have been having a hard time letting go, accepting some things, giving up on some, bitter at some, and others I just don't even know.

     I have felt so many emotions I have never felt in my life and they are very confusing to me. I'm not like most girls, I am not good at expressing certain emotions, I choose to not talk about some. Though, thank goodness for my best friend. This particular one who I have told literally every emotion too, I don't know what mental state I would be in without her, all while some of the emotions I've been venting to her she has been in the hospital and sick. Words could never express how much she means to me, and I've never met her. One day, we will. And I will do what I do not like to do in front of people/ public, I will cry. Happy, ecstatic tears. But, back to everything else.

    Lately I have been having a hard time accepting my CF. Crazy right? You would think as time went on in life that wouldn't be an issue, but I guess not. I am having a hard time facing that my life could be shorter than everyone else, trouble accepting that people keep walking out of my life because they can't bare to see me get sick, trouble accepting that it is going to take me longer to achieve my goals. But I think the hardest thing I am having trouble accepting is not being able to carry my own children, that starting a family is going to be more stressful than joyous. All very much worth it in the end, but still. I am very bitter that in the past month I have found out about a few people becoming pregnant. The reason I am bitter? These girl are sluts. They've had one or more abortions. They still smoke. They still drink. They treat their bodies the horrible way they did before they got pregnant. They have not changed. I am bitter that the most undeserving people are getting the amazing gift of being able to create life. Why? That is a question I know will never be answered. And I cannot accept that I will never know why the people who deserve and want a child will never get to carry one. And, the ones who will never change and get pregnant not even trying get to carry one. If you were to ask me about a year and a half ago if I wanted babies, I would've laughed in your face and said never. But when I held my friends baby about a week after she was born.... I swear I felt something weird, that I had never felt before. And now, I find myself ogling at couples with their babies and toddlers. I probably look like a complete creeper! LOL, but I cannot help but be jealous and wonder when I will get to experience a family of my own. I know that the stress of trying to find a surrogate mom ( baby momma, as I always say, lol) and hoping she takes will be excruciating, or all the work of adoption if surrogacy doesn’t work out, will all be completely worth it in the end. I'll have what I've been wanting for so long.

   Another thing I am having trouble accepting is time. There is not enough and it is going to fast. My niece just turned 3 this December. And my little brother started high school. I remember the day they were both born. Sometimes I forget how young my brother is. He is so smart, and mature. But then he will do the littlest, funniest thing and his innocence will show. Like, when I am upstairs and he is downstairs watching TV and out of no where I will hear him legit cracking up at whatever it is he is watching. The littlest things in life. That innocent little laugh. How nice it must be to find such happiness in a show. My niece.. oh my sweet little pipsqueak. What a ham that little girl is. Her little attitude she has/get. Her smile in the morning. Her laugh. Her innocence. Her obliviousness to how cruel the world can be. She loves baking. She gets that from me, Aunt Stesey. When she came over to decorate the tree, she brought cookies to bake. (pre-made of course) But, she was so excited. As she plopped each cookie on the sheet she said “one here!” and would look for another spot and say “one here!” every time. And when the cookies were ready, she little jump and the way her eyes just lit up! It just heart warming.

    I have also been very bitter about a lot of things in my past. What I had once let go, has resurfaced. And I am back to trying to let it go, but it is much harder than I remembered. As I said earlier, I am not good in expressing a lot of emotion, and I choose to not talk about a lot of things. Especially when I am hurting, sad, disappointed, etc thing of that nature. I do not like people seeing me like that. I don't want to be remembered as ever being sad at any time. Without getting into a lot of detail; Almost 2 years (March will be 2 years), my biological father did something, that on my birthday I wrote him a 3 page letter. I told him how his lifestyle is effecting my negatively, gave him a few examples and told him at the end if he did not get help for his lifestyle I would no longer be in his life. At family events, I would be civil if he said hello, I would say it back. His lifestyle was having such a huge negative impact on my life, my health, and I just couldn't afford to live that way anymore. Well, he was not willing to change.. for his daughter. He pretty much walked out of my life. How can someone choose a lifestyle over their child? I got over that though, I had been preparing myself 20 years to finally be able to stand up to him. But this year one person came back into my life (we'll call him “A”). The 1^st person who has ever gotten me to fall in love with them (yeah, i said the ugly L word). It took 21 years for that. I am very very good at not getting emotionally attached to people, and if I do when they walk out it is easy for me to remove and UN-attach them just as fast. But him... he came in my life when I least expected it and I was completely blindsided by the emotions he made me feel. I HATED him in high school, LOL. But now he is walking out. After I finally opened up just a tad and he promised he would never walk out of my life, he is, he has walked out. Deep down I knew he would, thats how he is, but I was woshing on stars maybe he really wouldn't; I literally feel as though my heart has just exploded and shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. I've never felt this way in my life, I do not know how to handle it.

   Lets talk about the happies. Now that I have probably bored all those who took the time to read this, and y'all are probably thinking “girl get a grip on yourself” LOL. This summer I took a summer class for phlebotomy, passed and in the process of signing up for my boards. As I wait to take my boards I have been looking for a position, some places will hire with your transcripts knowing you will take your boards. Well, I applied for a lab assistant position at St. Agnes hospital and got it!!! I am SO excited. I start on January 2^nd! It is only a part time, every other weekend position at the moment, but once I finish orientation and get fully trained I will be able to pick up more hours! Yay! I finally actually get to use my education! LOL! Another happy, one of my Christmas presents I asked for was for money to finish my CF tattoo that I have been wanting to for the longest time. But, every time I started to save something would happen and money would have to go for that. It will take two sessions, the 1^st one is on January 5^th! Cannot wait!

   Sorry for the rambling, and for any of you thinking some words I used aren't really words, they are. You'll need to purchase a “Stephany's Dictionary.” They are in there!